Cover by Julia Malnak
How Do We Grieve?
By Jamie Sheppard
The first funeral I ever attended was my older sister’s. I had never before lost a loved one, and nothing could have prepared me for it. Despite losing my sister to suicide almost nine months ago, I still have not accepted the fact that I will never see her face again... never hear her laugh...never be in her company. I still sometimes picture where she might be were she still alive and where she would be in the future. I still experience guilt and anger about what should have happened. I still dream about her sometimes. I still cry. I do not think I will ever stop.
For those of you who have lost loved ones, you may feel isolated. It can be an immense burden to carry the weight of grief along with everyday responsibilities like attending classes and completing assignments.While nothing can provide real comfort, it might help to know that other Pitt students are grieving, too. Kat Wilbraham, a sophomore, lost her best friend Gabe when they were both in high school. Gabe was “always happy,” Kat recalls. One of her favorite memories with him was when they both went to a nearby park and laid on the grass together, talking while they watched the sunset. “I don’t remember what we talked about anymore,” she says, “but it was the most peaceful time.” Hailey O’Donnell, another sophomore, remembers the days when her grandma used to brush her hair at the kitchen table. “I was really really close with my grandmother,” Hailey says, adding that she was a “very very very kind person.” Hunter Biliouris, a senior, lost his close friend in high school. “I just think about the good times,” he confesses, “it’s all you could do.” The intricate relationships we share with loved ones can be painful to let go. Coming to terms with their deaths can seem like a long and impossible journey.
The age at which a person loses a loved one can make this acceptance even harder. Lauren Bayer, a junior, lost her grandpa when she was 10 years old. She recalls avoiding her feelings, compartmentalizing, and telling herself to get over it. Due to her young age, she remembers not being sad after he passed, yet the experience led her to develop intense anxiety over death and dying. Lily Wilson, now a sophomore, was just six years old when she lost her father, and at his funeral, she felt frustrated that she could not cry. “For years afterwards I rarely thought about my dad and never spoke about him,” Lily says. Being so young at the time, perhaps this reaction was a result of her not grasping what had happened. “It wasn’t until the summer before my junior year of high school that the fullness of my grief hit me” Lily says, “over ten years later.”
It may first be valuable to recognize the type of grief you are experiencing, as this can be an indication of whether or not the emotional process you are going through is healthy or harmful. Acute grief that “occurs in the early aftermath of a death can be intensely painful” according to a journal article from World Psychiatry that explores the differences between types of grief3. Behaviors that impede normal functions might include “difficulty concentrating,” “intense crying,” and “relative disinterest in other people and in activities of daily life,” 3. Acute grief usually occurs within the immediate months after the loved one’s passing, after which a transition to integrated grief occurs3. At this stage, a person still sometimes recalls their loved one and experiences painful emotions, yet is able to return to normal functions of everyday life3. Aside from significant moments in time that might trigger acute grief, like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and moments of high stress, integrated grief does not constantly occupy the mind3.
The manner of transition from acute to integrated grief determines whether or not grief is “complicated” or “uncomplicated.” Complicated grief, which about 10% of bereaved individuals experience, refers to “prolonged and intense grief that is associated with substantial impairment in work, health, and social functioning,”3. They can be stuck in intense sadness for sometimes more than six months, which delays their transition to integrated grief3. It has been found that complicated grief can put people “at increased risk for cancer, cardiac disease, hypertension, substance abuse, and suicidality,”according to a cited study from the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 3. This type of grief is not a healthy way to mourn a passed loved one, and it can completely disrupt a person’s life. If you suspect you might be experiencing complicated grief, do not hesitate to reach out for help.
Uncomplicated grief, conversely, occurs when a person is able to transition from acute to integrated grief, and although they might experience painful feelings, these are also “intermingled with positive feelings, such as relief, joy, peace, and happiness,”3. These positive emotions might surface when remembering happy memories with loved ones, feeling appreciative for the time you have spent with them, and coming to terms with their death. Uncomplicated grief is still an exhausting journey, but it is a healthy process that allows a person to heal from the death of their loved one overtime. Even for those of you who are going through this stage, the emotions you feel are far from uncomplicated.
Many of the Pitt students I interviewed observed physical effects of their grief, the most common one being a disrupted sleep pattern. One student just wanted to stay in bed and sleep all day, while a few other students had trouble sleeping for up to a month or two after their loved ones’ passing. Difficulty concentrating, anxiety, lethargy, not eating well, and weight gain were also reported symptoms. In regard to emotions, these students also experienced sadness, guilt, numbness, and anger. “Coping with Grief and Loss,” an article written by authors with over 20 years of collective experience studying and specializing in psychology and health, reiterated these common physical symptoms and emotions1. They wrote about other symptoms that include disbelief, fear, nausea, and weight loss. The intensity of these symptoms may come in waves and may also lessen overtime. If one thing is for sure, there is no absolute timeline.
The mental and physical symptoms of grief can lead most people to discovering their own coping mechanisms, which are not always positive. Some students observed that drinking, smoking, and avoiding all feelings did not help their grief. “Being given performative empathy,” which some might describe as ingenuine public sympathy from others, might also be ineffective for some people as it was for Kat. While there will always be obstacles and temptations, it is essential to recognize the behaviors that are destructive to our health and combat them with nourishing behaviors. Spending time with pets, visiting the gravesite, sitting in solitude, running, practicing religion and spirituality, and trying new foods were positive coping mechanisms that students found beneficial. Another student said that “writing out my feelings” and “talking to people” helped him. Another went to therapy and began taking antidepressants. Many relied on the support of their families and friends, although grief sometimes tends to complicate these relationships.
It might seem obvious to turn to our support system of loved ones during grief, assuming that they will fully relate to our experiences. Yet grief will never look the same on two people. It might be frustrating having to live with others who are also grieving but might not be in the same way you are. Shortly after my sister’s passing, my mother rearranged my sister’s bedroom, put all of her things away in the closet, and converted the space into a “prayer” room. While this method may have helped my mother, I felt angry, confused, and annoyed. I needed more time to let go, while my mother could not stand the physical reminders. If it were up to me, I would still have her bed unmade, her dirty dishes on the table in her room, just as she had left them. Her food drawer would still be in the fridge, and her body wash, hair products, and loofah in the bathroom. I would do anything to preserve the last moments she had on this Earth.
Finding solutions to these grief-inflicted conflicts comes down to compromise and empathy. We should listen to the concerns of others who are grieving too, and hopefully they will do the same for us. Grieving alongside others can make for an incredible support system; the people in our lives can be there to carry us through our lowest moments. The first few months after my sister died, my parents, younger sister, and I all slept in the same room at night. This companionship helped distract our wandering minds at the end of the day. Turning to these support systems is an essential step towards healing. In fact, most of the Pitt students who shared their experiences acknowledged that their parents, friends, and other family members or people in their lives were there for them from the beginning, which was a major source of support. Despite this, it is still crucial that we do not compare ourselves on our individual healing journeys, not even with our closest friends or family. One Pitt student even divulged, “you might not always have other people to get you through grief,” and that “it is in many ways a process you go through alone.” Whether or not we have supportive people in our lives, we have to remember to take care of ourselves and our well-being.
Grief, although torturous, is the price we pay for love. Just as there cannot be day without night and action without reaction, there cannot be life without death; there cannot be love without grief. Pitt students may have lost people that were dear to them, but they gained so much more. Heidi’s close relationship with her grandpa, whom she helped care for when he was sick, inspired her to become a nurse. Similarly, Lily’s dad instilled in her a love for history, which she is currently studying and plans to pursue, potentially becoming a college professor. Being more optimistic, grateful, self-aware, tolerant, empathetic, and caring are also ways in which Pitt students have grown. In my experience, losing a sister has taught me so much, yet I am not a miraculously changed person. I want to live each moment thankful, I want to be a better sister, daughter, and friend, and I want to help others around me. It may take me the rest of my life to completely meet these desires, and I am okay with that.
How do we grieve? No clear blueprint exists. There is no one way to grieve, no time limit. Nobody should be ashamed of the way they grieve or compare their grief with the grief of others. We must discover and engage with the coping mechanisms that build us back up and bury the ones that do not. Confronting the deaths of our loved ones, especially in traumatic cases, can be debilitating. Yet, it is how we allow this hardship to change us that determines how we change the world.
Possible Resources and Helplines to Include:
Individual counseling at Pitt’s University Counseling Center: 412-648-7930 (Monday-Friday from 9am-4pm)
Online directories for off-campus mental health providers: Thriving Campus and Psychology Today
UPMC resolve Crisis Services: 888-796-8226
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255 (24/7)