Banner by Anthony Pascarella

You Have a Friend in Me

by Anthony Pascarella

Marjorie Taylor, a developmental psychologist at the University of Oregon, met Elfi in the late 1990s. Elfi was a veterinarian, married to a man named Sammy. They lived with a few cats and dogs and shared a love for anything tie-dye, from the furniture and decorations around their house to their very own hair and skin.

Elfi was also 4 inches tall. And she existed in the imagination of a 4-year-old girl.

Taylor investigates the relationship between such imaginary companions and how they affect the social and cognitive development of children. This phenomenon turns out to be quite widespread amongst children in all nations and even in kids with disorders such as Down Syndrome and autism. Studies have found that nearly 65% of children have had an imaginary friend at some point in their childhood. In fact, psychologists have come to refer to these unseen partners as “social beings.” Researchers classify them as a companion that a child “has created, talks about, or interacts with on a regular basis.” They can manifest as completely invisible, existing in the mind of the child alone, or they can be a personification of a toy they own. They usually start appearing between the ages of 3 and 5 — when a child’s imagination begins to rapidly develop — and they stick around for as long as the child desires. However, as the child establishes relationships amongst real-life peers, typically during the early teen years, they no longer have need of their unseen companion. They fade away surprisingly fast, replaced by friends of flesh and blood. Sometimes, teens are unable to remember that they had an imaginary friend at all.

The creation of a social being is a sign of burgeoning social intelligence in children. It shows that a child has reached an age where they understand that other people have different interests and behaviors than them. This is known as the Theory of Mind. This foundation of social and emotional development is an important milestone for children to reach. It shows they are mature enough to interact with real-life people in a way that cultivates social skills and friendship. An imaginary friend can help a child navigate the tremulous waters of childhood by providing them a safe space to practice interacting with others, even if it is all in the child’s head. Other times, children use imaginary friends to cope with difficult topics or experiences. For example, an invisible companion might appear after the birth of a younger sibling to help a child voice their fears of being forgotten. This gives kids a sense of order and control in a world that feels disorganized and foreign at a young age. 

Stephanie Carlson, a professor at the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota, has integrated the important roles imaginary friends provide to children into a single model. She postulates that social beings fill the three psychological needs of children specified in the self-determination theory: competence, relatedness and autonomy. These three aspects are believed to play a part in our motivations whenever we make a decision without the influence of external forces, such as when we are impassioned by curiosity. Children feel competent when they take the leading role in their relationship with their unseen companion, such as when they tell them what to do or teach them a certain skill. They tend to relate to their imaginary friends as if they were living and breathing. This relatedness is a crucial skill when navigating social interactions in the real world. In addition, imaginary friends allow a child to exert autonomy under their parents’ control by manipulating situations through their companion. They might try to get out of doing a chore by claiming their friend does not wish them to do it.

From a parental approach, imaginary companions offer a multitude of outlets for a parent to strengthen their relationship with their child. They provide a method for starting conversations with a child by allowing the parent to ask about the imaginary friend rather than prying directly into their child’s life. Often, by listening to the child describe their partner’s day, a parent can infer information about their child’s day as well. Social beings also give parents a window into their child’s imagination. Imaginary friends are often pieced together out of elements a child has experienced, whether it was from a television show, a picture book or even animals they have seen in the backyard or at the zoo. Adults are able to see which aspects have influenced a child and to what extent. Ed, the imaginary companion of 54-year-old Edmund, has the head of a vampire and the body of a fish. According to Edmund one day, after pointing towards a poster of the cover illustration of “The Hobbit” that hangs in his mother’s office, Ed lives in the fictional town of Hobbiton in Middle-earth. Edmund’s mother believes the invisible friend “serves as a form of wish fulfillment for Edmund.” They allow children to interact with fantastic creatures or people all within their own minds. Various aspects of a child’s life, from real-life experiences to wishful fantasies, manifest themselves in play and imagination. 

In addition, imaginary friends can strengthen the bond between parent and child. When a mother or father interacts with their child’s unseen companion, it shows they are willing to put in the effort to play along with their kid’s imagination and that they respect their child’s creativity. However, failing to acknowledge imaginary friends may cause friction. Validation is important to children, even if both the parent and child know the friend is not actually real. Ignoring a child’s creation may cause the child to feel alienated and might make it hard for them to trust or open up to their parents. One or two instances of this are harmless in the long run, but extended periods of ignorance might teach a child that their parents are unable to understand or relate to them, which may cause discord in their relationship later in life.

Imaginary friends become tricky for parents when children inevitably test how far they can push their boundaries. Often, children with unseen companions try to use them to get their way, such as claiming their friend does not like eating a certain type of food for dinner or doing a certain family activity. This behavior can become especially problematic if children start blaming their own actions on the doing of their imaginary partner, such as breaking a windowpane or a vase. In these circumstances, it falls upon the parent to lay down the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. In fact, imaginary friends give parents the unique opportunity to teach their children that there are consequences to their actions, even if the child blames it on their companion. Issues like these allow parents to convey how important it is to take responsibility for one’s own actions, as well as the actions of other friends involved in an incident. 

Whether they come into existence as a companion or serve as an extra mouthpiece for a child struggling with a certain subject, imaginary friends can play an important role in the stepping stones of a child’s social and emotional development. Although children with invisible companions tend to be more creative than those without them, there is no correlation between creating a social being and intelligence level. Where it was once thought that children with imaginary friends were lonely or strange, researchers now believe these unseen companions help kids explore their social surroundings, preparing them for real-life interactions with other companions their age. They can play, they can argue, they can have deep conversations, all within the safe space of their own minds. It is a simulation of a social environment for the child. Imaginary friends give children a safe place to explore their individuality while engaging with their parents in a way that strengthens familial bonds. And when the time comes, imaginary friends often fade away as their creators grow more confident as a social individual, replaced by much more permanent human companions.